


Tokyo Moonlight

by gwenweybourne



Series: Moonlight [2]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Awkwardness, Comrades in Arms, Episode Related, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Romance, out of sight out of mind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:55:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26785522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwenweybourne/pseuds/gwenweybourne
Summary: Sequel toYou Saw the Whole of the Moon.BJ's feelings for Hawkeye have been evolving for some time. Especially after Hawkeye's accident and the calm night they spent together under the moon at the 4077. BJ's sure things will get back to normal, but then after the incident where Hawkeye and Margaret go missing ... he can no longer deny what he knows and feels. He arranges a 3-day R&R trip to Tokyo for him and Hawk ... and hopes to have the courage to confess his feelings. Because he can't go on like this, despite what it means for his marriage vows.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Series: Moonlight [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952824
Comments: 20
Kudos: 38





	1. I Was Dumbfounded by Truth

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't intend on writing a smutty sequel to _You Saw the Whole of the Moon_ , but here it is. 
> 
> Big shout-out to [icameisawbored](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icameisawibored/pseuds/icameisawibored) for their masterpiece [That's My Desire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24641530/chapters/59536501), which inspired/influenced this piece. They're aware of this work and have cheerleaded me on through it. Who doesn't love a "the boys on on R&R and have sexy times" fic? This borrows some themes from that, but is firmly grounded in my first fic in the series.

* * *

BJ couldn’t keep going on the way things were going. Not since that night when he’d escorted a blinded, terrified Hawk out of the Swamp and sat with him in the light of the full moon. Soothing the rattled man until he relaxed into sleep in BJ’s arms.

Something had passed between them that night. Something BJ couldn’t wrap his head around, let alone name, but something. Or maybe it was just all on his end. He and Hawkeye had bonded immediately upon meeting, but so much of that was due to what they experienced together with Radar in those first hours, and then close living quarters with an antagonizing tentmate. In regard to that, BJ had also come to understand that it had always been Hawk and Trapper versus Frank, and now he was playing that role. Not that it was a role he resented or felt forced into … Frank made it all too easy. His furious resentment at having his command usurped by the arrival of Colonel Potter and having to move back into the Swamp had not made him terribly welcoming to BJ.

_Well, okay, the first thing I ever said to the man was “What say you, ferret-face?” Drunk as a skunk and covered in filth. Not a great first impression._

He didn’t hate Frank. Well … most of the time. He was just an annoyance more than anything. Hawkeye was a friend. A buddy. A guide in this impossible place in this impossible situation in this impossible war.

But now Hawkeye felt like more. More than a friend. More than a companion, even. Just _more_. And it was scaring BJ to death. Prior to meeting and falling in love with Peggy, there had only been one other person in BJ’s life who had meant even remotely as much to him. A person he had trained himself to stop thinking about. Convinced himself that it was all just a lark. A bit of fun. An experiment. He’d bought his own story pretty well over the years, but now Hawkeye was stirring everything up again. And he didn’t even know he was doing it.

With his eyesight restored, Hawkeye was soon back to his usual self, whatever that was on any given day. But their pranks and jokes and games and drinking sessions resumed and they didn’t talk about the accident. Hawkeye’s terror and BJ’s deep-seated need to bring him comfort. They didn’t talk about that night under the moon when BJ had held Hawkeye almost as tenderly as a lover. Comforting him and easing his fear with his own body, voice, and even the beating of his heart. And Hawkeye had clung to that comfort. They didn’t talk about how they’d fallen asleep and BJ had awoken to find Hawkeye’s face buried in his neck … like a lover. At the time BJ had logically chalked it up to Hawkeye seeking whatever warmth he could while sleeping out in the cold. But … somehow … over time it had started to feel like more. And the fact that Hawk hadn’t been eager to get back to the comparative warmth of the Swamp when BJ roused him … and maybe not just because he was sleepy.

But he hadn’t let himself think about that too much. It was just emotions running high and fear for Hawkeye’s future if his eyesight didn’t recover. Once Hawkeye was on the mend again, everything would go back to normal.

And it did … until the day that Hawkeye and Margaret left camp for an appointment at the 8063rd … and never arrived.

When the word came down from the 8063rd about their missing people, BJ had felt a shot of adrenaline spike through his body. It was like the night when the heater exploded in Hawkeye’s face, only this time he couldn’t get to Hawk. Or Margaret. They were lost behind enemy lines. Possibly injured, captured, or dead. In a previous life, BJ would have stayed calmer and trusted the powers that be to do their job. Trusted them to get it done, and done properly. He no longer had that kind of patience … and a profound lack of faith in anyone’s ability to do the humane and compassionate thing. It was the dreadful nature of war. He found himself hounding Potter at every opportunity, losing his temper with his friends, frustrated and helpless as I Corps grounded all planes and vehicles and refused to send out a search party for the missing doctor and nurse until the enemy activity settled down.

And he’d done something the “old” BJ Hunnicutt never would have done.

He’d done something Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce would have done.

_He’d do it for me. I sure as hell will do it for him._

* * *

Hawkeye was walking back from the mess tent with Radar after the “welcome home” party for him and Margaret following their ordeal. He was exhausted but keyed up, and worried about where things stood with Margaret. After their clinch the previous night, she seemed pretty steamed that he wasn’t interested in pursuing a more intimate relationship with her. It seemed strangely out of character for Margaret … who was normally so strong and independent … and had turned down Hawkeye’s advances at every turn for a couple of years … and was now still very married, even if the marriage wasn’t going well. But Hawkeye knew they’d both been through a traumatic experience and everyone reacted differently. All he knew was that he was coming to actually appreciate his growing friendship with Margaret, and didn’t want to lose it over one terrifying night where they’d sought comfort in each other in the face of death.

Especially when Hawkeye was struggling with feelings for someone else. Another very married someone else. How this seemed to continually be his lot in life was beyond him.

Hawkeye could feel Radar regarding him anxiously and searched for a joke to lighten the mood. “Well … being back has been like a slap in the face,” he said, referring to Margaret walloping him in front of everyone after Hawkeye had subtly joked a little too much about his relief in being rescued from her continued advances.

“Well, gee, sir … I’m sorry Major Houlihan smacked you,” Radar said. “but we’re awfully happy to have you back.”

“Happy to be back,” said Hawkeye. “I didn’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t see your teddy bear again, Radar.”

Radar shrugged and let out an embarrassed chuckle. “Well, yeah. I mean … especially for Captain Hunnicutt.”

Hawkeye cocked his head. “What do you mean, Radar?”

“Well, I mean … y’know … he was … uh …” Radar scrunched up his face as he tried to recall a word. “He was … _inconsolable_! Yeah … that’s it!”

“… inconsolable?” Hawkeye said. “You know what that word means, Radar?”

“Well … kinda … sorta … Father Mulcahy said it. Said BJ was … inconsolable. Gosh, he wouldn’t stop yellin’ at Colonel Potter, and Charles and … and he even yelled at the Father!”

“BJ yelled at Father Mulcahy?” Hawkeye exclaimed.

“Oh, yes, sir … he was yellin’ at everyone,” Radar said. “He was so angry that all action had been halted and all the choppers were grounded and he just kept yellin’ about why no one was out lookin’ for you and Major Houlihan, y’know? Even during surgery he kept yellin’ about how no one was doin’ anything …”

“Well, but BJ and Doug took a chopper up and …” Hawkeye said, Potter’s words about BJ being a “bad little boy” who disobeyed orders truly sinking in. Everything had been a blur since they got back to camp and he hadn’t had a chance to really talk to Beej yet. “Oh my god, Radar …”

Radar gazed up at Hawkeye. “BJ stole a chopper, sir! I mean … he got Doug to steal a chopper, but he went with Doug and they went out. And they wouldn’t answer our calls on the radio. But then BJ saw your stolen Jeep and then he saw Major Houlihan, sir! Doug took down the coordinates. I mean … we knew that later. They got shot before —”

“They got SHOT?” Hawkeye exclaimed, stopping dead in his tracks and grabbing Radar by the shoulders, looking into his eyes.

“Oh … well, just their antenna, sir. So the radio cut out. We were pretty worried, but they made it back to camp safely and then we reported your coordinates to the 8063rd and —”

“BJ stole a chopper and got shot at?!” Hawkeye exclaimed again. “Because no one was officially allowed to look for us?”

“Well, yeah …” said Radar, nudging his glasses up on his nose. “I been saying that the whole time, Hawkeye … sir ….”

“Radar …”

“You’re not going to kiss me again, are you, sir?”

“No, but I imagined it.”

“Well … I got a pretty lousy imagination, so it’s okay, sir.”

“Thank you, Radar,” Hawkeye said gravely, and squeezed the boy’s shoulders before hurrying back to the Swamp.

* * *

Hawkeye stepped into the Swamp and set down his bag, looking around and thankfully seeing only BJ. BJ … who had already cracked open another beer and was offering to him.

“Started a special batch of gin while you were gone,” he said, smiling. “Used clean shorts this time. Unfortunately it’s not ready yet.” He didn’t mention how he’d been afraid that he’d be drinking it alone to numb himself over the deaths of Hawkeye and Margaret.

Hawkeye accepted the bottle, but set it down immediately. BJ blinked.

“Okay, maybe in another twenty minutes it might be less awful …”

“Beej …”

“C’mon, let’s toast properly …”

“Beej … you stole a _helicopter_ for me … for us …” Hawkeye corrected quickly.

BJ set his own bottle down and shrugged. “I had to. No one … no one was doing anything …”

“They couldn’t do anything …” said Hawkeye.

“No, they couldn’t!” BJ said sharply. “I mean, they should have! We’re sending guys back to the front without another thought, but you and Margaret go missing and it’s all regulations and ‘we can’t’ … and ‘we need to talk to the general’ … and Charles loused all that up anyway, and everyone was sitting around with their thumbs up their asses, Hawk, and I —”

“You. Stole. A helicopter. For me. And Margaret.”

BJ nodded. “You’d have done the same for me.” It was a firm statement, not a question. And he was right.

_I’d steal forty helicopters for you, Beej. But now I know you all you needed was one. You made it count._

“Thank you,” Hawkeye said quietly. “Oh my god. Thank you, Beej. Thank you for what you did.”

And he stepped forward and gathered him into a hug.

BJ made a frustrated sound, squeezing Hawkeye tightly. “No one was doing anything, Hawk … nothing. Goddamn regulations and rules and … you two were out there …”

“Thank you, BJ,” Hawkeye said softly. “You risked so much …”

“ _Risked_ … you could have been killed out there,” BJ murmured, making no attempt to release Hawkeye. “I couldn’t live with myself …”

“You got shot at,” Hawkeye said. “Beej, I couldn’t live with myself if you got killed for me. You got Peg and Erin and …”

BJ shook his head, unconsciously stroking Hawkeye’s hair and then pulling back to look at him. “I know. But I couldn’t sit back and do nothing. I knew we just had to get out and look and I’d find you … and I did. Well, I found Margaret …”

“I yelled at her to come inside,” Hawkeye murmured. “I didn’t want her out there. I was scared for her. For us. Thank god she was … Margaret.”

“Idiot,” said BJ. “She saved your lives. Thank god for that. Hawk, I couldn’t imagine if …”

“She did,” Hawkeye interrupted, squeezing BJ’s arms and reluctantly pulling away. “In several ways … Beej, I’m so grateful, but god, I got a problem … with Margaret …”

* * *

And BJ knew his problem was a true capital- _P_ Problem when Hawkeye told him about the night he spent with Margaret. Taking comfort in each other in the midst of the shelling. There was a time when BJ would have envied Hawkeye … but now all he felt was envy for Margaret. And intense, seething, irrational jealousy. And a burning need to have Hawkeye back in his arms. And looking at BJ the way he had. The soft awe in his gaze. The way he pulled BJ into an embrace. And dammit, BJ had just wanted to kiss him. To hold him. To … do other things with him.

_Oh god, I’m in big trouble._

It was beyond trouble. This qualified as a more life-altering experience. He’d been able to repress it all until now. To tell himself it was just a strong friendship. He’d heard about the bonds men formed in war. The term “war buddies” existed for a reason. He and Hawkeye would be forever bound by what they were living through right now. It would impact the rest of their lives. BJ understood that now. Understood that he was changing, too. And he had no control over it. But this was beyond that. For the first time, BJ wondered if other men had felt this way about their “war buddy.” Especially if that war buddy was known to get involved with other men.

Especially when that war buddy was your lifeline and had a tendency to get in trouble. The kind of trouble that could get him blinded for life or shot to death on the side of the road. And Hawkeye had made it through time and time again. But what happened if his luck ran out?

He forced himself to tune back in as Hawkeye sought his advice about his fractured relationship with Margaret in the aftermath of all that had happened. But part of his brain hatched a plan as he realized he needed to take the same advice he was doling out.

_You need to talk to him. Really honestly about what you’re feeling. Even if it risks the friendship. It’s the only way through this. But we need to get away from camp …_

And when Hawkeye left to go talk to Margaret, BJ left to go talk to Potter about getting a couple of three-day passes to Tokyo.

* * *

“You’re pushing your luck, Hunnicutt,” Potter grumbled as he filled out the paperwork. “You broke a doozy of a regulation and now you want a holiday? You’re lucky I didn’t write you a pass for a three- _year_ stay in the stockade.”

“I got him back,” BJ said quietly. “I had to get him back.”

Potter’s hand stilled for a moment and he looked up at the other man. “Yes, you did,” he said softly. “You got them both back. And I’m grateful. And he needs time to recover and if you say that you want to keep an eye on him, then I take you at your word. In the sense of fairness, I’m writing Margaret a pass to go see her husband the moment you two get back. I can’t spare all three of you at the same time.”

And then Potter handed over the passes to BJ, who pocketed them, feeling like he’d been simultaneously handed the keys to the kingdom … and two one-way tickets to hell.

_What am I doing?_

* * *

He decided not to think about that right away. Instead he took pleasure in telling Hawk about the passes and drinking in his friend’s joy.

“Oh, Beej! This is terrific! I can’t believe you got Potter to spring us both at the same time!” Hawkeye was already pulling out his suitcase and selecting clothes, sniffing some to see which were the least offensive in odor and cleanliness. “We’ll eat and drink … maybe I can talk you into a visiting a geisha house. It’s only sordid if you want it to be …”

BJ just smiled and sat back, watching Hawk make plans that may or may not ever happen. He’d decided to wait until they got to Tokyo to see if he could keep up the nerve to confess his feelings to Hawk. Until then … it was just a normal R&R trip. Nothing had to change unless he wanted it to.

Somehow, though, that notion didn’t bring much comfort. Because he knew if he didn’t get this off his chest, he was liable to lose his marbles in a way that would even put one of Hawk’s “episodes” to shame.

* * *

Hawkeye chattered excitedly through the entire trip to Tokyo and didn’t seem to notice that BJ didn’t have much to say. As they got closer to their destination, he was becoming increasingly nervous. Under other circumstances, Hawkeye would have picked upon on BJ’s altered mood, but the thrill of getting away from camp had him completely distracted.

After checking into their separate rooms, they agreed to take about half an hour to shower and relax in their rooms before meeting to go out for food and fun and frivolity.

BJ put his things in his room and looked around, his brain computing the sheer amount of space compared to the cramped quarters of the Swamp. He wanted to throw himself on the Western-style queen mattress, or take a long shower that wouldn’t go cold on him. He could say nothing and just go out and have fun with Hawk.

_Or you can man up and tell your bunkie that you have feelings for him and want to … explore those feelings. Even if he turns you down. You have to say something._

It had to be now. If he didn’t do it now, he’d lose all his nerve, or worse, it would slip out clumsily while they were drinking and BJ was determined for that to not happen. It was too important. It meant too much. The idea of accidentally blurting out his feelings to Hawk over the tenth glass of sake propelled him to the door, and then to Hawk’s door. He knocked, taking a deep breath.

Hawk answered, shirtless, his favorite blue-and-white Hawaiian shirt in his hand. “… is it just me or is half an hour not as long as it used to be?”

BJ shook his head. “Naw … it’s me. I’m … I need to talk to you about something, Hawk. You got a minute?”

“For you? All of them,” Hawk said, cocking his head in curiosity as he opened the door and stepped aside to let BJ in. “Have a seat on the bed … I haven’t had a chance to completely dump my suitcase out on it yet.”

BJ sighed and sat down, wishing Hawk wasn’t quite so half-undressed for what he was about to say. He still wasn’t even entirely sure how he was going to say it.

Hawkeye sat next him, his brow creasing with concern. “Beej … what’s wrong? We’re in Tokyo! The world is our oyster … but you look like you just ate a bad clam.”

BJ’s mouth quirked at the joke. “No, it’s nothing … well, it’s not nothing, but …” expelling a frustrated breath, BJ looked at Hawkeye intently. “You remember that night … the first night after the gas stove accident? When I took you out to … my spot?”

Hawkeye nodded. “Of course I do, Beej. That was … what you did for me was wonderful. It was …” he shrugged almost a little shyly “special? Is that corny?”

BJ shook his head, smiling. “No, not at all. I … I think about it a lot.”

“Really?” Hawk’s smile widened. “So do I.”

“Yeah … and even more since you and Margaret went missing and I …”

“… went a bit off the deep end and stole a chopper,” Hawkeye finished gently.

BJ laughed softly, shaking his head, looking down. “I felt like everyone else had gone off the deep end and I was the only sane one. The only one who knew what needed to be done.”

“I’m sure glad you did,” Hawkeye replied, touched by the things BJ was saying, but confused about what it was all about. “I hope you know how grateful Margaret and I were for that. For what you risked.”

“I know,” BJ said. “I’m not fishing for compliments here, Hawk. I’m trying to … it’s hard to say what I need to say …”

“It’s me, BJ. You can tell me anything.”

BJ chuckled wryly. “I used to think that, but this is …”

“Jeez, you’re scaring me just a little bit, BJ. My god, are you dying? Are they sending you home and you don’t know how to tell me?”

BJ burst out laughing, looking at Hawk, who was looking at him with wide, alarmed eyes, frowning at his laughter. “Leave it to you to find a doomsday scenario. That’s not it at all.”

“Well, then, what you were really going to say should come easier now.”

BJ took a breath and said, “You know I did pre-med and medical school at Stanford, right?”

Hawkeye nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

“There was a boy there … a … man, I guess. We were still kids, though. We shared a room in the dorms when I was in pre-med. Before Peg. His name was Jack.”

Hawkeye blinked. And did the only thing he often knew how to do with difficult subjects … made a joke. “Roommate, huh? Was he better than me? Should I be threatened?”

“He was … special to me,” said BJ, ignoring the crack and pushing onward.

This time Hawkeye was solemn. He paused for a few moments, hoping he was reading between the lines correctly, then murmured, “Did you love him?”

BJ shrugged. “I suppose. In my own way. And that he loved me, too, in his own way. Like I said … we were just kids. All we really knew was that it was wrong, and we couldn’t get caught fooling around. We had our own room and we were still petrified. It was the forties … we didn’t know what we were doing.”

“BJ … what are you trying to tell me?” Hawkeye asked. He needed to hear it. His heart had cracked open and a tiny thread of hope had unspooled through that crack and he was trying to stuff it back inside. Regardless, the knowledge that BJ had some experience, however limited, with a man was shaking him to the core.

“You mean so much to me, Hawkeye. You’re _important_ to me, do you understand?” BJ said, frustrated at his inability to get to the point. “And sure, yeah, maybe it started out because we were thrown together under otherwise imaginable circumstances. I thought it was going to die that first day trying to get to camp. That morning I’d woken up next to Peg in Mill Valley, and by the end of the day I was getting shot at, and tossing my cookies in a field next to a mutilated dead body … while you comforted me …” BJ stared at Hawkeye, still in disbelief when he thought back on it. “You stood there … while everything was going to hell … and you _comforted_ me. Put your hand on my head and let me know you were watching over me in that vulnerable, terrifying moment. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that without you.”

“Well, to be fair, if I hadn’t come along on the trip to start with, Radar would have picked up you up and maybe gotten you out of there before the Jeep got stolen,” said Hawkeye, his gut beginning to roil at BJ’s kind, loving words, and needing somehow to sidestep them. Jump over them like landmines. They were almost as terrifying.

“You don’t know that. And you don’t know that maybe our leaving earlier meant we might have gotten hit somewhere else on the way back. We’ll never know. All I do know is that things happened the way they happened, and that day gave me you. And I’m forever grateful for that. I need you to know that, Hawkeye.”

Hawkeye looked at him, pursed his lips, and looked away, uncomfortable. He still didn’t fully understand what BJ was getting at and he had no idea how to respond to this declaration. Declaration of what, exactly?

“You still don’t see what I’m getting at, do you?”

“I think I do, but … I’m terrified,” Hawkeye said, trying to smile, trying to think of a joke to release the growing tension, but had nothing except that honest statement.

BJ took a deep breath and expelled it slowly. “I can love Peg … and I can love you,” he said softly.

Hawkeye stared at him, agape. “Beej, I —”

“But Peg found me first,” BJ interrupted, unable to hold Hawkeye’s gaze. “I made promises to her. We took vows. And some of those vows are taking a helluva beating with me being over here, but others I intend to hold firm.” He forced himself to look at Hawkeye. “When the war’s over, I have to go back and finish what I started. I _want_ to go back and finish what I started. To raise the family I started. I’ll go home to Mill Valley and you’ll go home to Crabapple Cove. That’s the hope … that we’ll survive long enough to get back. But I can’t get through this without you. And I’m tired, Hawk … I’m so tired of resisting what I feel for you. And I’m not even certain you feel the same way. I might just be making a giant fool out of myself, but that’s okay. I needed to say it. And then, maybe we can pretend I never said it. We’ll go drinking tonight and just chalk it up to a blackout. But at least I’ll know I said it.”

“Beej,” Hawkeye whispered, but he had no other words to follow up that plaintive syllable.

“I just had to say my piece. Now. While I was sober,” BJ said. “And I’m not expecting you to fall into my arms or make any kind of declaration or promise to me, Hawkeye. You owe me nothing, but I owe you everything. I just wanted you to know that … while we’re here together … you can have me. If you want me. I certainly want you.” And then BJ leaned forward, slipping his large hand gently around the nape of Hawkeye’s neck, and kissed him on the mouth. Long and slow, with just a tiny bit of tongue … BJ sneaking a taste as if was something he’d craved for a long, long time. It was like a movie kiss, but even better. Hawkeye felt the bottom of his stomach drop out.

Even as Hawkeye savored the kiss he never thought he’d get to have, his mind was in a whirl. How could BJ … the one Hawkeye had pegged (no pun intended) as the straightest, most steadfast family man … end up confessing this to him? What did this mean?

BJ pulled back and looked at Hawkeye, a little nervous.

“That was nice,” said Hawkeye finally said, softly. “It was more than nice. That was so nice that Webster’s will have to write a new definition for _nice_. But, Beej … I have no idea what you expect me to say to any of what you just told me.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” said BJ. “Not right now, anyway. It wouldn’t be fair of me to expect otherwise. You need time to think.” He stood up and smoothed down his uniform. “Look … I’m going to take a shower and unpack. “I’d … like for us to go together to eat some food that wasn’t made from powder or served on a metal tray, and have some drinks that don’t taste like lighter fluid. I’m leaving in half an hour. If you want to come with me, knock on my door. Otherwise I’ll just leave you be to think things over.”

“I can think and eat at the same time!” Hawkeye snarked.

“I had a feeling you could. I think once I saw you walking and chewing gum at the same time, too,” BJ said lightly.

“Fine time you choose,” Hawkeye groused. “First day of three days of R&R and already you want me to … work! To think … to make … decisions.”

BJ shrugged, his hand on the doorknob. “If not now, then when?” he said softly. “The night before we leave? Knowing we could have had three whole days alone together?” BJ’s eyes drifted toward the bed.

Hawkeye opened his mouth, but no words came out.

BJ grinned. “Struck speechless, I see. I am in fine form today. Remember … knock on my door if you want to come out for dinner.”

Hawkeye nodded dumbly as BJ let himself out.

* * *

Thirty minutes later there was a knock at BJ’s door and he opened it to see Hawkeye standing there, wearing his Hawaiian shirt and a rueful grin.

“You ambushed me, you know. This was all a setup.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Hmmm. Well … nicely executed, Beej. But now I want a drink. Several drinks.”

“You think _you_ need drinks? I could drain the still now.”

“Well, let’s not go punishing ourselves here,” Hawk said, with a chuckle. “C’mon … let’s hit the town. Hope it doesn’t hit back too hard.”

* * *

But they didn’t drink Tokyo dry. They had dinner and a good number of drinks, and even managed to talk and laugh, but the elephant in the room took up all the space. And, far earlier than usual, they both agreed to return to the hotel. Not a word had been exchanged about what BJ had confessed to Hawkeye. He figured the ball was in Hawk’s court, and he’d just have to wait and see if Hawkeye would lob it back.

BJ was a bundle of nerves by the time they reached their rooms — Hawk’s directly across the hall from his.

Hawkeye looked at him, his expression unreadable. “Well … good night, Beej.”

BJ felt something inside him quietly shatter. “Yeah … good night, Hawk. See you in the morning?”

Hawkeye nodded and slipped into his room.

BJ entered his room and closed the door behind him, feeling foolish, his heart heavy.

He turned on the lamp and looked around at the empty room with a heavy sigh. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected would happen tonight, but ending up with this mortified, lonely feeling wasn’t it. He’d made a huge mistake. Hawkeye was just humoring him. What had he been thinking?

“Idiot,” he muttered to himself. “Goddamn idiot …”

He put his room key back in his pocket, deciding he would find the nearest bar and get properly loaded this time when there was a knock on the door. Furrowing his brow, BJ stepped down the short hall and opened it.

Hawkeye stood before him, looking into his eyes.


	2. The Elephant in the Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawk almost didn't go to BJ's room ... until he did.

Hawkeye stared at BJ solemnly. BJ resisted the urge to touch him and make sure he was actually real. He stepped back, allowing Hawkeye to move inside.

Hawkeye was silent, his expression placid. He leaned up against the wall in the vestibule, still looking at BJ.

BJ closed and locked the door. Hawkeye didn’t move or speak.

BJ felt his heart rate increasing. He took a step forward so his body pressed up against Hawkeye’s. He felt lightheaded as blood rushed from his head and into his cock.

He reached up and gently touched Hawkeye’s face. Hawkeye’s eyelids fluttered for a moment, but his gaze remained steady. BJ traced the line of Hawkeye’s jaw and then did something he’d always wanted to do: he drew the pad of his thumb over Hawk’s full lower lip.

Hawk made a very soft sound and then BJ shuddered as he felt the soft wetness of Hawk’s tongue against his thumb. BJ traced the shape of Hawk’s lip, spreading the wetness over the soft skin, making Hawk’s mouth look even more appealing. And then Hawk’s hooded eyes blinked and he gave a slow smile before sucking BJ’s thumb into his mouth.

BJ let out a groan, feeling the suction around his digit, and the swirl of Hawk’s tongue. Oral fixation indeed. And if Hawk was trying to demonstrate another particular skill set, he was doing a bang-up job. BJ exhaled through his noise and drew his thumb out from Hawk’s mouth with a wet pop. Hawk frowned and hummed in protest before BJ leaned in and kissed him long and deep.

They both groaned and BJ felt like he might pass out. Hawkeye’s mouth was hot and soft and … delicious. He pressed up harder against Hawkeye’s body and they kissed again and again, and Hawkeye made no move except to kiss him back passionately, his tongue tasting and teasing. BJ took both of Hawkeye’s wrists and slowly drew them up, pinning them over his head, against the wall. How many times he’d fantasized about this … having Hawkeye like this … all to himself. Behind a locked door and no fear of being caught.

And Hawkeye let him pin him, moaning softly into the kisses, then more as BJ shifted, kissing and licking at his neck, breathing in his scent, teasing with his teeth, resisting the urge to bite and mark him. Not yet, anyway. Maybe later. They had time.

_By god, we have time …_

Finally Hawkeye whisper-moaned a single syllable. “Beej…”

BJ growled in the back of his throat and released Hawkeye’s hands, moving to unbutton his shirt. He’d seen Hawkeye naked more times than he could count. They changed clothes in front of each other almost every day. Hell, they showered together a few times a week at least. But that wasn’t like this. That was nothing like this. Not when BJ opened his shirt and ran his palms over Hawkeye’s bared chest, feeling the softness of his pale skin, and nipples hardening into rosy buds. And then BJ was reminded of how long it had been since he’d been touched. How, until now, his adherence to his marriage vows had, with one regrettable slip-up with Carrie Donovan, prevented him from receiving the most basic of human contact much of the time. Thank god Hawkeye wasn’t the macho type who didn’t believe in men showing affection, so for over a year now he’d been subsisting on the occasional hug and the way Hawkeye sat close to him in the Swamp or at meals. BJ wasn’t even sure if Hawkeye realized he was doing it, but he also didn’t seem to do with anyone else. And it BJ liked it. In those early days when everything was so new and scary at the camp and he was desperately homesick, that nearness had been comforting. And then it had just become normal. To sit with Hawk’s knee and shoulder pressed up against his as they sat side by side.

But none of it was enough anymore. And BJ didn’t just want sex … he wanted closeness. He wanted genuine affection. Not the kind that was performed for a fee. He wanted Hawkeye.

BJ looked at his friend and nodded at his shirt buttons. Hawkeye smiled and took the cue, reaching up to slowly unbutton BJ’s shirt as he watched, breathing faster. And then Hawkeye slid the shirt off over his shoulders and arms and let it drop to the floor and then his hands … his fine, sensitive surgeon’s hands were on him. BJ closed his eyes and sighed as Hawk ran his hands over BJ’s chest, making a soft noise as he stroked the downy chest hair he’d often admired and envied.

“Oh, Beej,” he murmured softly, “it’s been so long for you … so long …”

And BJ nodded and actually whimpered as Hawk shed his own shirt and then wrapped his arms around BJ and held him, embracing skin to skin and he’d be mortified by the sound if it didn’t feel so damn good.

And then they were kissing again and BJ fumbled at Hawkeye’s pants. He could feel Hawk’s erection pressing up against him and it was scary and thrilling. _That’s for me. I made him hard._ He got them open and slid a hand into his shorts before he could chicken out.

Hawkeye gasped against his neck as BJ wrapped his fingers around his hard length, squeezing gently, and then stroking clumsily.

Hawkeye melted against BJ for a few delicious moments, but then he very gently tugged at BJ’s hand. “Oh, Beej … it feels great, but … I need to slow down a little bit. I haven’t even taken my boots off yet!”

“I’m sorry,” BJ gasped, his face flushing with embarrassment, but Hawkeye drew him close and kissed him again.

“It’s all okay. I just … BJ … take your clothes off. I want to see you.”

BJ nodded and Hawkeye tugged his pants up enough so he wouldn’t trip and fall and ruin the mood any further. They moved farther into the room and BJ clicked the lamp on. Hawkeye sat on the bed to unlace his boots. And suddenly BJ felt a little shy. Maybe they were going too fast. He sat as well, but was unable to do much else except watch Hawkeye.

Hawkeye kicked off his boots, plucked off his socks and slowly rose to his feet. He smiled softly at BJ and lowered his shorts and pants together and then he was naked. And he was beautiful. BJ swallowed hard, licking suddenly dry lips.

Silently — BJ had never experienced this Hawk of few words, but he supposed his friend was used to being quiet during sexual encounters at the camp — Hawkeye lowered himself to his knees in front of BJ and he unlaced and removed BJ’s boots and socks. BJ watched, somewhat amazed. There was something very tender about this gesture. And then Hawkeye moved to open his belt and pants, glancing up at BJ to see his reaction.

BJ nodded, silent, watching as Hawkeye’s nimble fingers unbutton his fly and then tug at his shorts and pants and BJ lifted his hips to allow Hawkeye to pull them down and off. And he was naked, too. BJ hadn’t been naked with another person like this … not since he’d left home. Even with Carrie they’d been too caught up in the moment to remove everything before he’d sunk inside her … not wanting to consider the consequence of this action until it was far too late.

Somehow that was almost better than his premediated actions here. But, again, BJ couldn’t hold back any longer. He didn’t have the strength. Didn’t want to fight anymore. He loved Peg … but he needed this. He needed Hawkeye. And he loved Hawkeye, as well. A terrifying thought, but BJ had always needed more connection to be intimate with another person and to really enjoy it. Even with Carrie, his attraction had been borne from the intimacy of their conversations and her emotional reliance on him.

He and Hawkeye had already been through so much together. He knew how much Hawkeye needed him. Relied on him. And the feeling was mutual. They took care of each other and worked to be strong when the other was feeling weak and helpless. BJ should have known he was a goner that night under the moon and stars, talking Hawkeye through his panic and fear. Knowing how much this extraordinary man trusted and needed him.

BJ had held back on his urges for so long and he no longer could fight it. _The refrain of the cheater: “It meant nothing!” But this means something. This means a lot,_ he thought. _I wish I knew if that makes it better or somehow far worse._

Hawk’s hands were back on him again, smooth as silk, stroking up BJ’s thighs and over his torso as Hawk craned his neck up to kiss him. BJ dipped his head and eagerly claimed his mouth, tasting him, groaning softly as Hawk touched him, stroking his chest and his back … just touching him, and already BJ felt overwhelmed by the sensations. And then Hawkeye gently broke the kiss and his soft lips were moving over BJ’s neck, his clavicles, tongue flickering over his nipples (causing BJ to hiss softly … he wasn’t used to being touched there and had forgotten he liked it), and slowly licking and kissing down, down, down, and BJ realized with a soft gasp what Hawk’s destination was, and he was thrilled and nervous and incredibly aroused at the same time.

And then Hawkeye was nuzzling at the base of his cock. Kissing and licking, and BJ moaned in pleasure while also flushing with self-conscious embarrassment when he realized Hawk was _sniffing_ him there; his nose buried in the dark blond thatch of hair that surrounded his cock and balls. He was glad he’d showered a couple of hours ago, but it was still very … intimate.

And then Hawkeye’s hand was on him and BJ grunted, suddenly reminded of a hasty hand job in the back seat of his Chevy at age sixteen. He’d never been touched by anyone before and hadn’t lasted very long. He was determined not to lose control that fast this time. Not after wanting this for so long. Not when … oh …

Hawkeye’s mouth closed around him, sucking on the head and spreading warm saliva down the shaft. BJ whimpered and threaded shaking fingers through Hawkeye’s shaggy, silky black hair. He kept his hair just barely at regulation length. As a statement more than anything else. Sometimes it got even longer when casualties seemed to come in a never-ending stream and they spend days bouncing between the OR and just enough sporadic sleep to keep them barely fit for surgery, let alone anything as extravagant as a haircut. Like his father, BJ’s hair had started thinning and graying in his early twenties. He was sometimes envious of Hawkeye’s thick, dark hair, but he was starting to gray rapidly, too, and BJ knew it wasn’t just because they were getting older. The war was taking its toll. Sometimes he wondered how many years it would ultimately shave off their lives if they were lucky enough to survive it to the end.

But these thoughts were fleeting, quickly drowned by sheer pleasure and BJ finally risked looking down and groaning at the sight of Hawkeye’s lips stretched around his girth, moving slowly but surely, sucking and stroking, and BJ moaned his name, his hips twitching. This was going to be over way too fast, but that was how it was going to be from the start, and Hawkeye knew it. BJ masturbated … not often, but when it all became too much to ignore. When the urges couldn’t be buried in work and sleep and medical journals. When he tossed and turned on the saggy army cot and dreamed of his queen-sized bed at home. And how empty it must feel to Peg. How he wanted to fill that space. In the bed … in his house … in his wife. When he longed for her, he would jerk off; but it was always followed by a feeling of loneliness and shame he couldn’t quite shake, though it was becoming more common knowledge now that masturbation was a healthy sexual release and not the perverted “self-abuse” preached in churches and health classes.

He wasn’t sure when exactly Hawkeye had started invading his fantasies, but it had happened. Maybe after one notable time when Hawkeye had dared to bring a nurse back to the Swamp very late at night, having been flushed out of Supply before he could consummate the evening. And BJ had lain awake, simultaneously aroused and mortified and angry as he had to listen to them couple in Hawk’s bunk. But it was Hawk’s soft moans and sighs that had stuck with him. A strangled, muffled groan when he came. BJ had an erection that he refused to address … because then he’d have to admit that it was the sounds of Hawkeye’s pleasure that was getting him off.

But they were so far past that now. Crossing a line that couldn’t be uncrossed. And in that moment, BJ didn’t care. He groaned and tightened his grip in Hawk’s hair as his head bobbed on his cock. He then noticed that Hawk’s right hand was moving. He was jerking himself off, his hand moving rapidly over his erection.

“Hey …” BJ murmured, using his leg to nudge Hawk’s arm. “Stop that. Don’t come yet … that’s … that’s for me.”

Hawkeye’s eyes flashed at him and BJ could imagine his response if his mouth wasn’t full. _Demanding, aren’t you?_

“You bet I am,” he said softly. “Don’t worry … I’ll take care of you after. I just want to be able to enjoy it.”

Hawkeye hummed softly and let his hand fall away. BJ felt another rush of arousal when he saw Hawkeye’s cock … flushed red and so very, very hard … dripping.

“Oh god,” BJ groaned. “Oh, Hawk … don’t stop … please …”

* * *

BJ was like a finely made sportscar that had to stay in the garage, gathering dust. Hawkeye wanted to take him out for a ride, figuratively and literally. Work him until he hummed and purred and his engine was well-oiled and running smoothly again. Before he fell into complete disrepair from lack of use. He was amused by this comparison, because he wasn’t really a car aficionado at all, but there was something about BJ. As a student of the human body, Hawkeye appreciated how beautifully BJ was made. Tall and strong and leanly muscled, a beautiful smile, a sweet and kind nature, clever mind … and a big cock with a sex drive to match.

 _This man was made to be loved. Passionately and often_ , Hawkeye thought. _Just let me borrow him, Peg. I’ll keep him maintained until you get him back. You have the pink slip and always will._

He smirked to himself, dropping the car analogy before it reduced BJ to an inanimate object.

* * *

BJ lost it when Hawkeye made eye contact with him, his mouth full of cock, his crystal-blue eyes hazy with arousal, yet also sparkling with mischief. BJ’s fingers tightening in Hawk’s hair and he muttered his name before coming with an explosive groan, his hand falling away as Hawkeye sucked and swallowed and took him all down. BJ watched, astonished. He could count the number of times he’d received oral sex on one hand … and he thought swallowing was only something that performers did in dirty pictures and magazines. It occurred to him, not for the first time, how much more worldly Hawkeye likely was compared to him.

BJ gasped, “Dear god … Hawk …”

Hawkeye slip BJ slip out of his mouth and he sat back on his heels, panting, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked up at BJ, almost shyly. “I was going to stay in my room, but … I couldn’t …”

“Thank god you didn’t,” BJ growled softly, still feeling dazed after his orgasm, but Hawk on his knees … that smile … his cock standing at attention. “Come here …” He reached or Hawkeye, who took his hand and they lay back down on the bed together.

BJ realized just how out of his depth he probably was. His experiences with Jack felt like a lifetime ago. All he had to go on was that, and his own personal experience in getting himself off. But he figured that would be enough for Hawkeye right now.

He went to kiss him, and hesitated.

Hawkeye blushed. “It’s okay … you don’t have to …”

BJ growled and crushed his mouth against Hawk’s, feeling him groan. _If he has the nerve to let me ejaculate in his mouth … I can kiss him after. It’s the least I can do …_

He broke the kiss long enough to spit roughly into his hand and then he was touching Hawkeye again and this time Hawkeye thrust into his grip, whimpering with pleasure and they were kissing sloppily, Hawkeye’s teeth grazing the line of BJ’s jaw and nuzzling his neck, moaning as BJ jerked him hard and fast.

“Oh Beej,” Hawk whimpered. “Oh, god … please …”

“Yes,” BJ groaned. “Yes, Hawk … c’mon …”

Hawk threw his head back as he came and BJ could only just touch him and look on in awe.

* * *

And now BJ knew what Hawkeye looked like when he was finally spent and relaxed. His body limp and loose, sprawled wantonly on his back, legs splayed, his face flushed and chest heaving, white ropes of ejaculate glistening on his belly and chest, his softening cock resting on his thigh. BJ had never seen anything so filthy and so beautiful at the same time.

_Filthy? No, that’s not the right word. Just so … unabashed._

He was trying to avoid it, but his brain could not help but compare his limited sexual experiences and partners from his past, with what was happening now. How Peg would kiss him on the mouth and then discreetly go to the bathroom to clean herself up. Except when they were actively trying to conceive …

And with Jack … even in the supposed privacy of their dorm room, their activities had been furtive and fumbling and hurried. All evidence wiped up almost immediately and then separating back to their own beds. To once again pretend it hadn’t really happened. Until it happened again.

But Hawkeye? He just reveled in the afterglow. BJ had reached for his T-shirt to wipe up the mess and Hawkeye gently stopped him, giving him a slow smile, his eyes half-lidded. “Leave it for now. What’s the rush? Look what you did, Beej. What you made me do. Isn’t that something? God … I haven’t come like that in … I don’t know …” His tone wasn’t accusatory … if anything it was … gently awed.

He supposed it really was something. He had made Hawkeye come. The sounds of his hungry cries and pleading moans were still ringing in BJ’s ears. He’d done that. And, god, he wanted to do it again.

But first …

“I need to sleep, Hawk. Will you … stay here with me?”

A soft chuckle. “As if I could stumble to my room now even if I wanted to.”

He did, however, manage to stumble to the bathroom to clean himself up and then he was slipping between clean sheets next to BJ and they kissed softly, almost shyly.

“I’ve slept in the same room as you for a year now … why does this feel …”

“You know why,” Hawkeye said softly. “I can leave if it’s too strange … intimate.”

“No. God, I’ve missed sharing a bed. Just the act of it, you know?”

Hawkeye made a noncommittal sound and turned off the light. He didn’t know at all. Not anymore. He hadn’t shared a bed with someone who hadn’t immediately left the next morning (or before dawn) since … Carlye. But he had to admit it was nice to feel BJ’s warmth near him and the familiar steady cadence of his breathing that much closer.

BJ didn’t pull Hawk into an embrace, also realizing after what he’d blurted out that no, Hawk wasn’t accustomed to sharing a bed, let alone sleeping with someone else draped over him, so he simply moved close and kissed Hawk on the corner of his mouth and said good night.

“Night, Beej.”

There were things to talk about. Probably a lot of things. But those could wait.

They had time.


	3. The Second Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It starts in bed and ends in bed, but a lot happens in between during Hawkeye and BJ's first full day in Tokyo together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a very LONG chapter to make up for the longish break (turns out it was 2.5 weeks, but feels longer). Had a bit of writer's block that cleared up a few days ago when Brain was like, "Hey ... just got the memo you sent me a week ago about that tricky scene. Sorry ... just been up to my lobes in work and I misplaced it somewhere in the cerebellum, but I FOUND IT AND GUESS WHAT ...?"
> 
> I wasn't sure if it was going to be three or four chapters, but now definitely four.
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> Love to singer/songwriter Labi Siffre, whose song "Cannock Chase" was my soundtrack for the last sections of this chapter. I'm embarrassed to say how many times it went around on repeat (mainly because it's too many to count). It was just the vibe I needed, you know?

BJ woke in the middle of the night, disoriented for a moment, then realized he wasn’t in the Swamp and he was in a real bed … with Hawkeye. Or so he thought. His arm reached out but found a void on the other side of the bed. BJ blinked, sitting up slowly. He hadn’t gone back to his room, had he? Why on earth would he do that?

“Hey, Beej. What are you doing awake?”

BJ scrubbed the heel of his right hand over his eyes, seeing Hawk seated in a chair near a window. He’d put a pair of shorts on but was otherwise naked. The moonlight poured in through the window, spilling over him, rendering his skin a pearly white. He looked so beautiful it took BJ’s breath away. But he noted a weary sadness in Hawkeye’s face.

“What is it?” he asked softly. “Did you have a nightmare? I usually wake up when you —”

“No, no nightmare,” Hawk said, just as softly, smiling gently at BJ. “I just … was enjoying the moonlight. I woke up and I couldn’t just ignore it. And then I could watch you. You look so peaceful when you sleep.”

“So do you,” BJ said. “So do we all.”

“Mmm, maybe, but you sleep real nice. Not the first time I’ve noticed, but …”

“That’s not all, Hawk.”

Hawkeye’s smile turned rueful. “You do know me, Beej. You really do. So well it scares me a little.”

“You don’t ever need to be scared of me.”

“No. But I’m scared of what I feel for you. Beej … I couldn’t go back to sleep because sleep feels like time wasted. Time I should be conscious, enjoying you. Being with you. Having you all to myself. While I can … because while sometimes it feels like we have nothing but time being stuck in this war … we have so little time to _be_. Like this. I never thought we’d be like this.”

“… but I’m _asleep_ , Hawk!”

“Doesn’t matter. I want you to sleep. I want you to rest and be well. And I just want to look at you in the moonlight and … savor this. Before the sun comes up and you decide this was all a huge mistake.”

BJ sat up straighter, shaking his head. “No, Hawk. It won’t be like that. This isn’t some drunken mistake … we weren’t even drunk, and I —”

“Aw, Beej … I know you. Tomorrow will be something else entirely.”

BJ shook his head again. “No, Hawk. Maybe you don’t know me. Because if you want the truth … I already feel guilty about what we’ve done. And I won’t stop feeling guilty. But not enough to quit what I started with you tonight. God, Hawk, I thought about this a lot. And I know I … like you said … ambushed you with it … but give me some credit. I wouldn’t act on this lightly. I came here for this. I want this. And if you don’t want it, then I can accept that, but —”

“You … you really mean that?” Hawkeye said, more vulnerable than BJ had ever heard him before.

“This is no joke, Hawkeye. Of _all_ times … do you think I’d joke about this? Take this lightly?”

Hawkeye shook his head, pursing his lips. “Oh, Beej … but tomorrow …”

“You speak in riddles, Hawkeye. You talk about being in the moment at the same time about time running out. We have time. Maybe not Tokyo time, but … you have me.”

“Not really,” said Hawkeye.

“I know, but … you _have_ me,” BJ said plaintively, then shook his head, sighing. “Now who’s speaking in riddles. I wish I knew how to express it better, but I don’t. I just know how I feel. Please … come back to bed. Be with me.”

Hawkeye stood, slowly moving back to the bed. “I was thinking of that night … that first night after I’d been blinded. And you took me outside and we sat in the moonlight.”

“I think a lot about that, too,” BJ said softly. “Constantly. I was falling for you then. I didn’t want to, but I did.” He reached out his hand, urging Hawkeye to come to him.

Hawkeye paused, then took BJ’s hand. “When we fell asleep … and I moved into your neck and shoulder … that was no accident, Beej … I woke up and I was cold, but you were sleeping, and you were holding me, and I didn’t want to go back to the Swamp. I just wanted to be alone with you like that. So I didn’t wake you up. I just wanted to be with you.”

“I know,” BJ said, squeezing Hawkeye’s hand and drawing him down to lie close to him. “I think I always knew. It just took me a while to really become conscious of it.”

And then he kissed Hawkeye, gently rolling him onto his back, kissing his mouth until Hawkeye was breathless and aroused, then kissing his neck and his chest, his nipples, his stomach, his bellybutton, down until he tugged Hawkeye’s shorts down over his slender hips and long legs and tossed them aside. Down until he moved between Hawkeye’s legs and smoothly took his erection into his mouth, and Hawkeye gasped, the Tokyo moonlight illuminating his naked body as he cried out softly in pleasure, back arching. BJ slid his hands under Hawkeye’s ass and cradled it in his hands, bracing his weight on his elbows as he licked and sucked and worshipped Hawkeye’s cock, then slid his hands up and over Hawkeye’s body, unable to stop touching him. Hawkeye whined and keened, hips rolling, drawing his legs up, leaking into BJ’s hungry mouth, his fingers tugging at BJ’s hair. He made the most beautiful sounds and BJ was determined to hear all of them before this R&R was up. He increased the pressure of his mouth and stroked his hands over Hawkeye’s writhing body, fondling his balls and feeling them get tight as Hawkeye got close. He hadn’t done this in so many years, but his desire to please Hawk … his hunger for Hawk … combined with idea of what he liked in a blow job … it wasn’t that difficult.

_Come for me, Hawk. I’ll make you stop thinking those heavy thoughts if I have to suck your brain out through your dick._

And then Hawkeye cried out, his hips jerking, gasping as he came into BJ’s mouth. BJ was a little surprised, but adjusted and swallowed him down, sucking him until finally Hawkeye’s hands pushed at his head, urging him off as he became overstimulated.

BJ reluctantly let him slip from his mouth and dropped a few kisses on the tender skin of Hawkeye’s inner thighs, then a few on his hip, his ribs, nuzzling into an armpit, then the softness of his neck before finally pulling Hawkeye into his arms, smacking his lips a little, astonished at what he’d just done. But it wasn’t … that bad at all.

Hawkeye pawed clumsily at BJ’s cock, mumbling something about his turn, but BJ captured the hand and pressed a kiss to the fingers. “That one’s just for you, Hawk.” He shifted, letting Hawkeye settle into the crook of his neck like that night they’d stolen away from the Swamp and BJ had talked Hawkeye out of his panic until he could sleep.

“Get some rest,” BJ whispered, tugging the blanket over their bodies.

A soft whisper. “I … _Beej_.”

“Shhhh, I know.”

* * *

The next time BJ woke up, the sun was streaming through the windows and Hawkeye was was still next to him in bed this time. BJ smiled in satisfaction and looked at Hawkeye. Soaked up the chance to really _look_ at him. Right in his grasp instead of six feet away — those six feet often feeling like six miles, and he knew they’d feel like six thousand miles when they had to return to camp after the intimacy they were sharing now — and looking so peaceful in sleep. His hair still mussed from when BJ had been grabbing at it as Hawk’s head bobbed between his legs. BJ felt a shudder of arousal at the memory. And then remembering Hawkeye’s cock in his mouth, his hungry moans and cries. He chanced brushing a light touch over Hawk’s mouth, remembering how he’d stroked his lower lip and Hawk had sucked on his thumb … a lascivious preview of what he was capable of. BJ let out a breath, feeling his cock beginning to harden. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d gotten hard thinking about Hawkeye, but the first time he’d been able to really do something about it.

He was torn between the giddy joy of knowing he had Hawk all to himself for the next two whole days, and the guilt of what he was doing behind his wife’s back … with his best friend.

_He’s my best friend._

This felt new for BJ. Being friends with someone before becoming lovers. Even though it wasn’t that new at all. BJ thought back to his dalliances with Jack back in college. He’d been friends with Jack first. It was a foregone conclusion. They roomed together and had classes together and that commonality had been more than enough at the beginning. And then, over time, they discovered other things in common. They just … clicked. BJ remembered being confused by his feelings for his friend. Because they were stronger than any feelings he’d ever had before. He wanted to be with Jack all the time. Sometimes he wanted … to _be_ Jack. As if being close wasn’t enough … he wanted to absorb into him.

BJ shook his head, still stroking Hawkeye’s hair. Yes. That was the feeling. And he hadn’t felt it in so long. But here it was again with Hawkeye Pierce. Even more so. His fumbling, sometimes awkward encounters with his old roommate paled in comparison to this. And to what he felt for Hawkeye. They were forced together by war, but now BJ couldn’t imagine a world without him. BJ and Jack … it had been powerful while it lasted, but neither of them knew how to talk about it, and therefore they didn’t. And when BJ met Peg … that was the end of it. No question about it. He remembered feeling a certain sense of grief, and seeing the same from Jack, but he felt like the other boy understood. What they had been doing was strange and wrong and in a way it had been a relief to have a reason to end it. Before it became too all-consuming. Before BJ had to admit any hard truths to himself.

BJ felt grief for the younger man he’d been. He thought often of Jack and wondered what became of him. He wished the best of him and hoped he was happy. Hoped he found a new best friend. Maybe someone like Hawkeye, but BJ couldn’t imagine a finer person existing than the one currently in his bed.

He touched Hawkeye’s face gently, murmuring under his breath, “You are my best friend.” And he truly was.

He’d courted Peg. Wooed her. She was his girl, his sweetheart, long before she became his friend. The friendship came later, and it had astonished him when it did. Growing up with only brothers he’d never imagined being friends with a woman. It wasn’t that he didn’t respect women — though being with Peg had taught him a lot about that. A lot that he thought even Hawkeye needed to learn. But he’d never been taught that men and women could be … friends. As well as lovers and spouses. And now BJ was also learning how big his heart actually was. How there was room for another person who meant the world to him. A man who’d started off as a friend and had become so much more.

“Mmm, that’s a nice thing to wake up to,” Hawkeye murmured, eyes still closed.

BJ smiled. “I’m glad you heard it. Proof that it’s morning and I’m not pacing the floor, thinking we made a huge mistake.”

Hawkeye smiled, eyes still closed. But they fluttered open when BJ pressed a kiss to his mouth. “Mmmm … I probably have terrible breath.”

“Mmmm, probably. Sometimes I can smell it across the tent.”

Hawkeye laughed then, blue eyes sparkling. “So what the heck are you kissing me for?”

“I can’t help myself. You’re … right there. And very naked.”

Hawk grinned, awake now. “I’ll show you how naked I am … gonna go brush my teeth, and then you’ll have to do the same and then we’ll figure out what to do about our problem.”

“Problem?” BJ asked, curious.

Hawkeye flipped back the covers and got to his feet. He was very naked and very beautiful and very erect.

BJ grinned. “Nice to see the morning wood free and clear and not constrained by the olive drab shorts.”

Hawkeye laughed and lifted the covers enough to ogle BJ in his glory and whistled appreciatively.

BJ rolled his eyes and yanked the covers back down. “Now, stop that.”

“Never!” Hawkeye crowed, padding to the bathroom.

“I can live with that,” BJ muttered good-naturedly, rolling onto his back for a yawn and a long stretch, enjoying the luxurious feel of the mattress and clean, soft sheets, and the knowledge that there would be no wounded today. No blood. No death. Just him together with Hawkeye.

_God, Peg. I would hope somehow, in some world, you might understand how much I need this. I need him to get through this. If I’m going to be any kind of person resembling the one you kissed goodbye in San Francisco … I need him to cling to. He keeps me sane. Keeps me human. Keeps me company. Keeps me warm. I don’t know what I’d do here without him._

“Hey … hey, Beej …”

BJ shook his head, looking up at Hawkeye. “Huh?”

“You were a million miles away. Are you okay?” A hint of worry entered Hawkeye’s tone.

BJ shook his head again and peeled back the covers, getting to his feet and cradling Hawkeye’s face between his large hands. “I’m where I need to be.” He kissed Hawk then, chastely on the lips, tasting a hint of toothpaste. “I’ll go brush and wash and then …”

“And then …” Hawkeye smirked. “And after ‘then,’ maybe some breakfast. I’m a growing boy, after all. And we need to enjoy the offerings outside of the mess tent.”

BJ grinned. “You mean you’re not going to put in for an order for powdered eggs _à la Igor_ all the way from Uijeongbu?”

Hawkeye laughed and patted BJ on the cheek. “Not on your life, bub!”

BJ laughed. “Hey, wait … how did you brush your teeth?”

“I borrowed your toothbrush. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Oh, okay … wait … _what_? How many times, Hawk?”

“I’ll never tell!”

* * *

“And then” turned out to be taking a shower … together. Hawkeye got in while BJ was brushing his teeth, and then he decided to follow him.

“Beej!” Hawkeye laughed, the sound ringing off the tiles as BJ tugged back the curtain and stepped inside. BJ had missed bathrooms covered in tile instead of wood and canvas. “We shower shoulder-to-shoulder nearly every day!”

BJ lifted an eyebrow. “ _Every_ day?”

“Well … more than Radar, anyway!”

“That’s not saying much,” BJ chuckled, running his hands over Hawkeye’s chest and shifting both of them slightly so he could get some of the spray. “There are some significant differences from showering at home.”

At some point he’d started referring to the camp as “home” and didn’t care to analyze that one too much. That was too loaded of a point.

Hawkeye nodded, smiling, pushing his wet hair out of his face in a gesture that was so unconsciously sexy that BJ had to kiss him.

“I can’t do this there,” BJ murmured against his mouth. He kissed Hawkeye again, harder and deeper, until Hawk made a helpless sound in the back of his throat that made BJ even harder than he already was. He reached for the bar of soap, lathered up his hands and began to draw them slowly over Hawkeye’s body, soaping him up slowly, touching him everywhere except his erect cock. Hawkeye made a sound of protest, mouth quirking in a half-smile.

“You tease me there and here.”

“Tease? I tease not at home!” BJ protested, letting out a breath at the sensation of his hands gliding slickly over Hawkeye’s body. His skin glistening with water droplets and soap bubbles, becoming somewhat flushed by the warm water and sexual arousal. “How do I tease you?”

“Mmm, just being naked next to me. I thought I was the only one appreciating that …”

“It’s no coincidence that I’m usually always up for a shower at the same time as you …”

Hawkeye smiled then, a huge, genuine, somewhat flustered smile that warmed BJ to his toes. “Beej … you really know how to … I still can’t believe it …”

BJ handed him the soap and kissed him deeply again to make him believe.

And the next little while was soft, warm kisses and soapy hands moving over warm skin, and eventually soft moans echoing in the bathroom as they touched each other, soap-slick hands on enflamed flash, Hawkeye whimpering with pleasure as BJ stroked him, beginning to learn what Hawk liked and how a gentle flick of his wrist could turn the other man into jelly. Hawkeye stroked BJ, again amazed by the size of him. Wanting BJ inside him, but not ready to “go there” quite yet. It had been quite a while and he’d need some … supplies and preparation if he was going to …

 _If … I know I will. I want him. I want him so much I could_ eat _him_.

And when he came shortly after that thought, it was imagining BJ hovering over him, hips thrusting, groaning Hawk’s name … coming inside him …

“Oh god, Beej … oh …” he moaned, shuddering as he spilled over BJ’s fingers, the water quickly washing his spunk off and down the drain.

“Oh, that’s good,” BJ murmured, hips rolling into Hawkeye’s grasp. “You’re so good, Hawk … so good … oh god … please …” His head tipped forward and he let out ragged cry as he came as well. Hawkeye watched, breathless as BJ shot over his hand and over Hawkeye’s stomach. He angled his body away from the water to watch the semen slide down his skin, into his pubic hair. He usually wasn’t quite this … enthusiastic about cum, but with BJ … everything was different with BJ. He took his hand away and slipped his arms around BJ’s waist, angling them both into the warm spray and kissing him again and again.

They’d probably still be there if BJ hadn’t jokingly complained about shriveling into a prune. So they got out and got dressed and went out to get something to eat. After breakfast, they wandered awhile and explored a market as BJ shopped for souvenirs and gifts to send home to Peg and Erin. Hawkeye rather admired his ability to mentally compartmentalize. He himself had already collected and sent home enough touristy gewgaws that they didn’t interest him much anymore. He had something else in mind. And when he spied a shop with the universal medical cross symbol on its sign, he nudged up against BJ just enough to get his attention, feeling the taller man’s warm smile on him.

“See something you like?”

“Actually, I remembered a few errands I need to run.”

“Oh, that’s okay. We can do that … just deciding on what toy to get for Erin.”

Hawkeye smiled, shaking his head. “No, no, I don’t want to rush you, Beej. Look … how about we split up for a little bit. I’ll get what I need and I’ll meet you back at your room in, say … two hours?”

“Probably won’t take me that long. Is everything okay, Hawk?” BJ looked slightly concerned.

“Just fine,” Hawk said, squeezing BJ’s arm reassuringly. “Just have a few things I need to do and don’t want to drag you along. I do have something of a master plan, and much of it involves getting some supplies so we … won’t need to leave the room again for a while if we don’t want to …” he trailed off suggestively and smiled as BJ blushed faintly.

“Okay, Hawk,” he said softly, laughing with embarrassment, but also smiling happily. “Okay … two hours.”

Hawk squeezed his arm in lieu of a kiss and tipped his hat with a grin as he ducked away and disappeared into the crowd.

BJ shook his head ruefully and tried again to focus on the task at hand. Shopping for his daughter while his … Hawk … well, it was better not to put a label on it for now.

_I still can’t believe I’m doing this. Yet I haven’t felt better about anything in so long …_

* * *

BJ returned to his room about an hour later and put his shopping away, settling down onto the neatly made bed with a precious English-language newspaper and a couple of magazines he’d managed to find. The subject matter barely even mattered anymore — he was just happy to have something new to read that wasn’t an army manual or a medical journal or a paperback he’d read a dozen times over. He chuckled to himself, remembering when Peg sent him a mystery novel and he’d been reduced to ripping out each chapter as he finished so it could be passed around the camp to his compadres who were equally starved for fresh reading material. He was curious about the mysterious nature of Hawk’s “errands,” but he seemed to still be in good spirits. Suggestive spirits. BJ felt a little bit nervous. Everything had felt pretty natural and good so far, but he couldn’t quite banish the thoughts of how relatively inexperienced he was when it came to sex compared to Hawkeye. He wanted to be with Hawk, but was worried about falling short at some point.

* * *

Less than an hour later, there was a soft knock at his door.

 _“Donata desu ka?”_ BJ called out in Japanese — one of the handful of words and phrases he’d learned in preparation for his first R&R in Tokyo some time ago. He was certain he was butchering the phrase and pronunciation, but the only time he’d used this phrase was in Japanese hotels and the staff would be too polite to correct him if he didn’t get it quite right. BJ’s father had taught him that it was good manners to make at least a cursory attempt to speak some of the language in a foreign country. “Remember, son, _you’re_ the foreigner there. Don’t be one of the countless Americans who make a rude impression. If you have to serve there, don’t be a damn boor.”

BJ hadn’t always had the easiest relationship with his father. In fact, he was often envious of the closeness Hawkeye appeared to share with his dad, Daniel. But while Daniel had barely stepped foot out of Crabapple Cove, BJ’s parents were fairly well-traveled and had passed on some of their knowledge to their sons. His Korean was coming along much better, since he was in a position to use it more often, but he’d made a point of learning the basic niceties in Japanese until the locals took pity on him and either switched to fluent or broken English, or enthusiastic hand signals to communicate.

 _“Hawkeye-san! Konnichi wa!”_ A voice called out playfully, but quietly. BJ smiled and quickly strode over to open the door. Hawkeye entered, carrying his shaving kit and a couple of paper bags.

BJ smiled as he let him inside, closing and locking the door behind him. “You’ve been busy.”

Hawkeye shrugged, making an attempt at casual. “Just enjoying having access to more than what the camp PX offers. And … thought maybe I’d bring my own toothbrush over, if that isn’t too presumptuous.”

“Not at all,” BJ said, softer, waiting for Hawk to finish buzzing about with his things before catching him around the waist and pressing a kiss to his mouth. Hawk gentled immediately, relaxing in BJ’s embrace and kissing him back, then kissing him again.

He shook his head, blushing slightly. “I … I’m still having trouble believing … this happening, Beej … I …”

“Is it so unbelievable?” BJ asked lightly.

“Well, no … yes … well … I guess I hoped, but … I never expected …” Hawk trailed off, looking away, embarrassed.

“Well, neither did I,” BJ said. “Believe, it wasn’t what I expected, but … are you okay? With this? Us like this here?”

Hawkeye nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. I know it’ll be hard when we have to leave our little self-made utopia, but god, Beej …” he managed to make eye contact again, smiling. “I think I’ll be able to dine off this for ages.”

“What will the nurses think?” BJ joked, though it wasn’t really necessarily a joke. He was a little possessive by nature and already the thought of Hawkeye resuming his playboy ways when they got back to camp didn’t sit very well. If he was brutally honest with himself, it never had, because he didn’t like to share Hawk even then. He’d used to tell himself he was jealous because Hawk was free to pursue women while he was determined to remain faithful. But now he knew it was far more than that. But that something he’d deal with later. Maybe.

“They’ll probably be relieved,” Hawkeye murmured, sitting to unlace his boots, kicking them off and then sprawling on his back over the bed with a contented sigh. “Real beds. It’s like heaven.”

BJ reclined next to him, smiling, pillowing his head on his arm and tracing a finger down Hawkeye’s chest. “I have to know … what was with all the cloak-and-dagger with your mystery errands? I would have gone around with you to get whatever you wanted. Was it the nudie magazines?”

Hawkeye laughed softly, shaking his head. “Well, maybe. But I know you don’t mind those. I’ve caught you sneaking peeks, after all …”

“Well, I’m only human, Hawk …”

“I know.” Hawkeye rolled onto his side and looked at BJ, turning serious. “I, um … might be presumptuous about something else, but I just … wanted to be prepared in case things go a certain way. Only _if_.”

“What’s the big _if_?” BJ chuckled.

“… if we decide to make love,” Hawkeye murmured. “If you want to make love to me.”

BJ’s laugh trailed off. “Oh … _oh_.”

Hawkeye chuckled uncomfortably. “Yeah … I … we haven’t talked about that yet. I mean, this time yesterday I had no idea any of this was going to happen. But we only have today and tomorrow and … I want to, if you do. _Only_ if you do. And if you don’t … if that’s a bridge too far, then I understand, Beej, I really do. I’m perfectly happy to just … keep doing exactly what we’ve been doing. It’s more than I ever expected … it’s been incredible …”

BJ tipped up Hawkeye’s chin and looked into his piercing blue eyes. _God, his name — both of them — is beyond accurate. Never met a person in my life with eyes like this._

“You’re not the only nervous one, you know.”

Hawkeye reached up and touched BJ’s cheek gently. “You don’t have to be nervous, Beej. It’s me.”

BJ chuckled ruefully. “That’s right. It’s you. That’s exactly why I’m nervous. It’s you and … this means something, Hawk.”

“BJ … this means a lot to me.” Hawkeye forced himself to keep looking at his friend. “It scares me how much it means to me. I’m terrified.”

“So am I. But … beyond that … I feel like a blushing virgin next to you.”

Hawkeye let out a disbelieving sound. “BJ! … you have a child!”

BJ smirked. “Hawkeye … you’re a doctor. You know that it can only take one time to conceive a child …”

Hawkeye furrowed his brow, opening his mouth, and BJ cut him off with a laugh, “And _no_ , we didn’t make Erin after the first time and then never again for god’s sake!”

“I was going to have a few questions if that were the case, Beej …”

“Just saying that … you’ve … been around a lot more than I have.”

Hawkeye smirked. “I’m a big slut, huh?”

“No!” BJ protested, laughing in spite of himself. “God, Hawk … just hear me for a sec, okay? I’ve … I’ve only ever been with Peg. And then that one night with Carrie. That’s … that’s it. Two people. Two women.”

“I know.”

“What do you mean, you know?”

Hawkeye shrugged, slipping an arm around BJ’s waist. “I guessed. The way you’ve talked about … stuff like that. Even when you told me about your old roomie …”

“Jack.”

“Yeah, Jack. I could tell you two never went … that far.”

BJ shrugged, blushing. “I think we wanted to. I did, but …”

“You hadn’t been with a woman yet. And you didn’t want to consider what that meant if that was your first time …”

BJ nodded, looking at Hawkeye. “Yeah … I think that was it. Was it like that for you?”

Hawkeye shook his head, smiling softly. “No … but I understand.”

“No?”

“Beej … I don’t want to get into all of that right now. Is that okay? Suffice to say that when I hit puberty … my sister was already away at college and engaged — she never moved home permanently again — and my dad worked all day at his practice. I was … on my own a lot. I … got into some stuff. With people. Some good, some bad. Some … questionable.”

BJ frowned, only because it made him worry about things that might have happened to Hawk in his youth … but that, like so many other things, was maybe for another time. Nevertheless, he tugged Hawk a bit closer. “I just don’t want to disappoint you.”

Hawk kissed him then, softly, tenderly. “Beej … you could never …”

“I’ve never … made love to a man before.”

“That’s okay. I haven’t … done it in a long time. So, if we do … then I’ll need you to take it slow. Take it easy. And so … you’d be okay with me telling you what to do …?”

BJ nodded, blushing. He’d never had a conversation like this before, really. Peg had been a virgin as well when they’d married, and they’d just fumbled through it together. Had a _lot_ of fun figuring it out, but BJ knew that sex … the penetrative sex of the sort Hawk was talking about … was different. At least, as a doctor, he had some idea of how it worked and what was required.

He couldn’t resist a joke, tickling Hawk a little to lighten the mood. “It sounds more fun than getting your temperature taken … or a rectal exam …”

Hawkeye let out a bark of laughter. “Oh god … yes! So much better than that … but … similar mechanics to the exam. At least at the start.”

BJ blushed a little. “Can I make a confession now?”

Hawkeye smirked. “You? Oh, sure. I’d love to hear this.”

“I brought condoms … and gloves … and lubricant.”

Hawkeye’s jaw dropped, and then he laughed, but joyfully, before wrapping his arms around BJ, kissing his mouth and his cheek. “Oh god, you did have some high expectations for this R&R! You thought I’d be this easy?”

BJ shrugged, blushing scarlet.

Hawkeye kissed him again. “Well … you were right. I hope you’ll respect me back in the Swamp.”

“God, Hawk, of course, I —”

Hawkeye kissed him again. “I know, Beej. I know. Um … so, that was one of my errands. I went to a pharmacy.”

“… for?”

Hawkeye shook his head. “For the same stuff you brought. But army-issue condoms … good lord, Beej … count yourself lucky you haven’t had to use them. It’s like wearing four pairs of surgical gloves at the same time. They’re awful. They certainly have their use for the young guys with no self-control — Radar will do well by them — but the sensation is … terrible. I got some better-grade product. But surgical lube … still the best.”

“It’s weird being so clinical about this,” BJ murmured. He had used an army condom. Once … during that regrettable night with Carrie. Strange how he still placed that firmly in the “Wrong” column, but this … with Hawk … was different. If he was just fooling himself he hoped he could keep fooling himself for a lot longer.

“I know. But …” Hawk kissed BJ’s shoulder. “It’ll make it good in the end. I’m … glad you thought to bring anything. To ask. I’ve … some guys … don’t …”

“Hawk …”

“And … I kind of cleaned myself up … in case …”

BJ blinked. “You …?”

Hawk looked at him. “Don’t make me say it.”

_God, I was here reading magazines and he was giving himself an enema across the hall._

“Hawk, I …”

Hawkeye groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Now you know why I didn’t want to tell you why I wanted to split up for a bit? This is the least sexy conversation I’ve had about sex …”

“Stop,” BJ admonished, gently prying Hawk’s hands away and kissing him softly. “I … needed to have this conversation. But I want to … I’ve been thinking about it a lot, but I had no idea how to broach it with you. Especially without sounding like the novice I am.”

“Well … we can … if you want.”

“Okay. I want. But … maybe we work up to that?”

Hawkeye laughed gently. “Oh god, yeah. Please. Otherwise it might feel like a medical procedure and then I won’t be able to look you in the eye in the OR ever again.”

BJ laughed hard, and he drew Hawkeye close and they kissed. But this time they didn’t stop kissing for a long time.

* * *

Later, Hawkeye got off the bed and showed BJ some of the other things he’d bought: pastries and snacks, two bottles of good sake, and the other things he’d mentioned before. They passed the afternoon talking, kissing, cuddling, and reading BJ’s magazines together, just relaxing, with a sense of anticipation for what would come later.

It was strange for Hawkeye. Strange, but good. On his usual R&R trips he was barely in his hotel room at all. It was just a place to store his luggage and a place to get a shave and a nap. But no geisha houses this time … no paid-for women, no furtive alley encounters with men. He longed to have sex with BJ without condoms, but he hadn’t had a proper VD test in a little while and didn’t want to risk anything, even though he tried to be careful and hadn’t shown visible symptoms of anything after his most recent encounters. Nevertheless, his personal habits couldn’t hurt this beautiful man who was breaking his vows to be with Hawk.

Hawkeye still couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. He was still so dazed by BJ’s confession the day before that he could barely remember it. But he couldn’t ask BJ to repeat it … he just had to trust that BJ had made his decision. And Hawk had made his. Even if it would hurt him later.

_But what else is new? It always hurts eventually. The point is to enjoy it while it lasts. It’s better than not having it at all._

* * *

They went out for dinner. BJ talked Hawkeye into a sushi restaurant. Japanese restaurants had proliferated on the west coast of the United States and BJ had developed a taste for sushi during his time at Stanford. Hawkeye, however, was hesitant.

“Raw fish, BJ? Coming from New England, I’ve eaten so much fish I could have gills, but we _cook_ it. We don’t just pull it out of the ocean and take a bite.”

“Okay, Hawk … we’ll share the teriyaki and yakatori and tempura, and you can just _try_ my sushi?”

“Mmmm, okay.”

Hawk didn’t hate it, but he made a face and wasn’t convinced and wasn’t interested in trying more than one piece of salmon. BJ was amused, but didn’t press the point. He wanted Hawk to eat things he liked during this trip. Wanted him to enjoy himself. Klinger had told him about Hawkeye’s meltdown when the camp dinner had, for eleven straight days, been liver and fish — and not the good kind of fresh fish one could get in Korea when one wasn’t stuck in a U.S. Army camp — and Hawkeye finally had thrown a fit, flinging his tray across the tent and inciting a near-riot that resulted in him embarking on an obsessive mission to order ribs from Chicago and have them shipped to the camp. Trapper had been there for that one, making futile attempts to talk him down before Hawk snapped.

Sometimes BJ wished he could talk to Trapper. Sometimes he wished he could punch Trapper in the face. But also he wished he could talk to the seemingly one other person who knew Hawk well at the 4077: Henry Blake, and he was dead. BJ had come to a camp that was mired in grief and confusion with the tragic death of their departing CO and the sudden departure of a surgeon who had made a mess of his leaving and left Hawkeye, the one remaining truly competent surgeon, in an emotional whirl. BJ had been sorting him out ever since.

But Hawkeye had been his port in the storm as BJ adjusted to wartime life. Thankfully, Sherman T. Potter had arrived to relieve Frank Burns of his near-fascist regime and things had somewhat settled since then. But BJ was always aware of the “before” before he arrived. The days of Trapper and Henry. At least BJ had been there for the unfortunate overlap of Frank Burns and Charles Winchester. Frank had been awful, but his departure was at least a story from the “old days” that BJ could take part in. Plus, he wasn’t sure he could have believed the stories about Frank’s utter ineptitude if he hadn’t witnessed many of the events first-hand.

There was the before, but BJ had the “now” and the “later,” and for the moment … he had Hawkeye. Hard as it was to believe. They were going to go back to their room and make love.

Or try to, at least, BJ thought with a stab of nerves, hoping that he’d perform well … thought at this point he’d be happy if he could just perform. It wasn’t a problem he suffered from, necessarily, but Hawk was so experienced … BJ wasn’t sure his ego could completely cope with that concept.

But as they left the restaurant and walked side by side, Hawkeye shoved his hands in his pockets and nudged into BJ’s shoulder, smiling up at him flirtatiously from under his long eyelashes and BJ beamed at him. It was Hawk … probably the most physical man BJ had ever met. He loved physical contact, sexual and non-sexual alike. He … seemed to crave a kind of tenderness that BJ increasingly believed he had not received a great deal of in his life. And what a tragedy that was for a man who was so compassionate and giving of himself. BJ resolved to give that to Hawkeye tonight. Their first night together had been unbridled, slightly chaotic, and exciting. But tenderness and romance was in BJ’s wheelhouse. It made him feel a little more confident. That maybe he could give something to Hawk that he didn’t usually get to have. His dalliances with the nurses were simply that. There had been the return of Carlye, but that had been doomed from the start.

 _Oh, like this isn’t?_ a stern voice in the back of his mind chastised.

“Beej … I’m spinning a helluva yarn here and you’re missing it! Hello? Calling all personnel!”

BJ shook his head, bringing himself back into the moment and looking at a bemused Hawkeye. “Sorry, Hawk … just drifted away for a minute … what were you saying?”

“It’s all the raw fish, I tell you. Far be it from me to put down a national cuisine, but I think anything that could once breathe on its own should not be consumed raw!”

“Hawkeye … your story …”

“Right, well … you _will_ brush your teeth when we get in, right?”

“Hawkeye!”

“All right, all right! I’m just … still worried that salmon is swimming around inside me …”

* * *

The mood shifted when they reached the room, however. BJ turned on a lamp, but kept the lighting low. Hawkeye removed his boots and suggested a glass of sake. BJ was relieved for the familiar ritual. They toasted for probably the dozenth time in the past twenty-four hours, but then BJ was taking Hawkeye’s glass from him to cradle his face in his hands and kiss him softly. Hawkeye made a soft sound and leaned into him, kissed him back deeply.

“We’ll take this slow, okay?” BJ murmured against Hawkeye’s mouth. “Not just for you, but for me, too. I’m nervous … and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt me, Beej,” Hawkeye murmured back between kisses.

BJ reluctantly broke the kiss for a moment. “What I’m saying is we have time. We don’t need to rush.”

“No rushing,” Hawkeye agreed, nodding before kissing BJ hungrily again.

_He’s impossible!_

But BJ held firm and undressed Hawkeye slowly, kissing each part as it was revealed and Hawkeye seemed to settle somewhat, responding to the gentle touches and soft kisses. His body taut with sexual tension but somehow softer in a way, as if some tension of a different kind had drained away altogether. And then Hawkeye was helping BJ undress, complimenting and admiring BJ’s naked body so much that BJ kissed him to make him stop for a little while.

And then they were easing back into the soft bed and it felt so good to hold and be held and to kiss and touch and let arousal build up. BJ nuzzled into Hawk’s neck, smelling him there and kissing down his neck and over his chest and doing whatever he could to make Hawkeye sigh and moan softly. He traced the shape of Hawkeye’s bellybutton and trailed lower, feeling his erection brushing the inside of his wrist. He teased Hawkeye with light fingertips, causing the other man to shudder with pleasure.

“Touch me,” Hawkeye murmured.

BJ went to wrap his fingers around Hawkeye’s cock, but he shook his head with a soft smile. “Not there …”

BJ nodded with a little smile as he reached over to the bedside table where Hawkeye had laid out the things they’d need. He felt his hard-on soften a little when the glove snapped, because of what he equated the sound with. Scrubbing in … surgery … nothing like this. His expression must have betrayed him because Hawkeye touched his face gently. “You don’t have to use the glove … I thought it would be more comfortable for you for the first time. I’ve seen you scrub … you’re a clean boy.”

BJ smiled, squeezing some lubricant onto his gloved fingers. “No, it’s a good idea. I just … need to get back into the moment because this reminds me of —”

“Being an intern?” Hawkeye interrupted, chuckling.

“Being an intern!” BJ exclaimed, laughing. “Being a grunt …”

“The lowest of the low …”

“The worst jobs none of the residents wanted to do …”

“So many rectal exams …”

BJ nodded, somewhat relieved. “So, it’s not just me.”

Hawkeye shook his head. “It’s not, Beej. But believe me, it’s not going to feel anything like that in a few moments. Trust me. And you know, it’s okay to laugh … sometimes … during sex. It’s kind of a ridiculous act in a lot of ways. Human bodies are strange. And messy. And noisy.”

BJ chuckled, leaning over to kiss Hawkeye. “Let’s try to salvage what’s left of the mood …”

And he touched Hawkeye, stroking him gently, kissing his neck and it all stopped feeling clinical the first time Hawk moaned softly, pressing into his touch and then BJ was slowly breaching him with a finger and Hawkeye shuddered. “Oh … yeah … Beej …”

And then BJ listened to Hawkeye … his reactions and his sounds and his murmured requests and they were kissing deeply, BJ drinking in Hawk’s sounds of pleasure as he stroked his fingers inside him, feeling his muscles begin to warm and stretch and the idea that Hawkeye wanted BJ inside him … was unbelievable.

_But god, he’s still so tight. I don’t want to hurt him!_

“It’s been a long time,” Hawkeye moaned. “I … don’t usually do this with one-night stands … when I can even find them …”

“You feel so good,” BJ murmured, brushing kisses over his face and shoulder. “I want you, Hawk.”

“I need you, Beej …” Hawk moaned, his hips rolling, drawing BJ’s fingers in even deeper and then he let out a shaky cry. “Oh god!”

“There’s the spot,” BJ murmured, excited to make Hawkeye react this way, thrusting slowly and deeply with his fingers, feeling the nub of the small gland that was making Hawkeye whimper with pleasure.

“Oh god,” Hawkeye groaned, back arching slightly. “Oh god … I could come if you just keep doing that …”

“Do you want to?” BJ asked softly, breathily. “I’d love to watch you …”

Hawkeye whined softly, indecisively. “Yes … no … no … I want you … just go slow, okay?”

BJ’s erection had revived and then some once Hawkeye started moaning in response to his touch. He reached one of the condoms Hawkeye had purchased and fumbled with it a little bit. He was embarrassed to admit it was only his second time using one, and the first time, Carrie had helped him with it. Before they had decided to try for a baby, Peg had her own preferred method of birth control that didn’t require any effort on BJ’s part, so this was all a bit foreign to him.

Hawkeye sat up slowly and gently took the package from his trembling fingers. “It’s okay, BJ … these things are tricky as hell at first. No wonder lots of women just take care of it themselves.” He kissed BJ reassuringly and expertly rolled the condom over him. “Does that feel okay?”

BJ nodded, and then Hawkeye lay back down and brought BJ down with him. BJ positioned himself between Hawk’s legs and looked at him with a bashful grin.

“God … I’m like a blushing virgin all over again.”

“Will it emasculate you if I say it’s utterly adorable and endearing?”

“Mmmm, maybe a little.”

“Okay, then I won’t say it.” Hawkeye reached down and guided BJ. “Just go slow, big boy.”

BJ gave a loopy half grin at the compliment to his manhood, which helped him feel less embarrassed about his complete lack of finesse and confidence in this crucial moment.

He pressed forward slowly, and Hawk’s mouth dropped open and he made a sound that BJ couldn’t quite read as good or bad.

“Hawk?”

“God … oh … that’s … you’re a lot, Beej … wow …”

“Should I stop … does it hurt?”

“Don’t stop, no. Just … give me little a more and then wait for a few moments.”

BJ pushed in a little bit more, biting back a gasp at the sensation.

Hawkeye smiled a little, letting out a breath. “Oh, yeah … it’s good, huh?”

BJ groaned and pushed in more and Hawkeye let out a soft hiss.

“I’m sorry … I … Hawk …”

“I know, I know …” Hawkeye gasped. “It’s okay. It’s good. It’s just …”

_Feel like I’m being split in two, but what a way to go …_

And it went like that for a little longer and BJ managed more patience, especially when he worried that Hawkeye would take more than he could handle too fast in order to please BJ. He had no concept of “too much” in any other area of his life … why would this be the exception?

Hawkeye looked up at him, his breath coming in short, shallow bursts, but quietly. His eyes fixed on BJ, making small sounds that BJ, again, couldn’t quite interpret.

“Am I hurting you, Hawk? Please, you have to let me know. I don’t want this to … I don’t want to hurt when it feels …”

“So good?” Hawk murmured with a smile. “Does it feel good, Beej?”

“It would feel better if I knew you were enjoying it.”

“Oh, I am, Beej. I am … but there’s a certain amount of pain that goes with it … at first. It’ll pass. Just … go easy for now.”

“I think you should breathe more, too. Breathe through it.”

“Thanks, doctor.” Hawkeye smiled, no mockery in his tone. “Sometimes … I forget. I’m too … distracted by you.”

BJ shuddered as another wave of pleasure flowed through him as he moved slowly. “I can barely think at all except for you … so, the feeling is mutual.”

Hawkeye drew him down for a long kiss and then he shifted his hips and BJ slid in even deeper and they both moaned into each other’s mouths.

Hawk tipped his head back, sighing. “Oh god, yeah … that’s good, BJ … you can move … a little more …”

BJ groaned and began to roll his hips, tentatively at first, but then more as the impossible tightness began to give way and it didn’t feel like every movement was going to hurt Hawkeye. “Oh, Hawk … oh …”

He felt Hawkeye’s arms wrap around him and stroke down his bare back and his hips rolled up to meet BJ’s slow thrusts and BJ let out a low, shuddering moan. “Hawk …”

“Oh BJ … c’mere …”

And they kissed again and again as Hawkeye wrapped his legs around BJ’s waist and they were making love and it was exquisite. Hawkeye so hot and tight around him, and his mouth so soft and hungry, and the sounds he made. BJ angled his thrusts to try to hit that spot deep inside while also stimulating Hawkeye’s erection against his firm belly.

And before long Hawkeye wasn’t even able to make words anymore. He moaned and sighed and mumbled BJ’s name, sometimes able to ask for “more” and “harder” and soon he was biting back cries that BJ longed to hear at full volume, but through the haze of his arousal he was able to remember they were in a hotel and while it afforded more privacy than the Swamp, they still had to be careful.

“Hawk,” BJ whimpered, burying his face into Hawk’s neck. “I’m close, Hawk … are you …”

“Yeah … just … hang on a little … oh shit … Beej … don’t stop …”

BJ pulled up to look into Hawkeye’s face, nearly undone by the sight of him … panting softly, moaning in pleasure, his eyes half-lidded and drugged with arousal. BJ gently pushed his hair off his forehead and kissed him there, tasting the salt of his sweat. And then kissing his mouth, bracing his weight on his forearms and taking Hawkeye even deeper, groaning into the kiss. Hawkeye broke the kiss with a whimpering cry, his body tensing, and then he moaned BJ’s name as he came and BJ watched, astonished as he felt Hawkeye ejaculate against his stomach and his muscles rippled and clenched around his cock and then BJ cried out louder than he intended and he was coming harder than he could remember, thrusting hard and deep as Hawkeye clung to him, groaning.

And finally the waves of pleasure rolling over BJ eased and then stopped and he stilled, breathing hard against Hawkeye’s neck. And he felt Hawkeye’s hands moving over his arms, his back, his ass, and then back up and stroking BJ’s hair until the other man was able to lift his head and press a clumsy kiss to Hawkeye’s mouth.

They were speechless but smiling.

And then BJ carefully pulled out and shifted his weight off Hawkeye, falling onto his back, still panting for breath.

“Well …” Hawkeye said breathlessly, stretching his legs and turning his head to look at BJ. “I guess there’s no taking that back.”

“I don’t want to … god help me, I wouldn’t want to,” BJ said, shaking his head slightly. “I know I shouldn’t … I …”

Hawkeye nodded and rolled onto his side, slipping his arms around BJ for a few moments, kissing his forehead and his cheek and then reaching down to carefully remove the condom.

“I think I can do that part …”

“Nah … let me. You … can practice more later.” Hawk looked up with a shy smile. BJ shook his head ruefully, kissed Hawkeye, then slowly got to his feet and held out his hand and Hawkeye handed him the condom, which BJ took to the bathroom to dispose of and to wash up a little bit. He padded naked back into the room, retrieved their glasses of sake and handed one to Hawk, clinking glasses with him as he settled back onto the bed.

“You okay, though?” Hawkeye asked softly. “For real this time.”

BJ nodded. “Yeah. I’m good. I’m … really good, Hawk. You’re okay?”

Hawkeye smiled and nodded. “Yeah. I’m … that was incredible, Beej. I mean it.”

“You’re not trying to make me feel better about an awkward first?”

“Far from it.”

“You wanna go again, don’t you?”

Hawkeye grinned wickedly. “You bet I do. Just let me get my breath.”

“Oh, I’m in trouble now, aren’t I?”

“A world of it. But I’ll make it fun, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mangled Japanese, though it would make sense for them to not get it quite right. Such a nuanced language ... I have no experience with it and Googling what seemed like a simple phrase resulted in MANY different answers.


End file.
